Sexting is, no doubt, an art of the 21st century.
Not only is it a spicy way to connect on another level with your partner, but it also boosts trust, says psychotherapist and sex therapist Pia Holec, PsyD. “We’re communicating about what we want to do to one another,” she says.
But if you’ve ever sent a sext that felt so embarrassing or feel like you need to be a sex goddess to even partake, you may have thrown out the idea with your old flip phone.
“There’s a fear sexting will be awkward, or you’ll have to create a certain environment you’re not used to,” Holec says. “That builds to an, ‘Oh my gosh, what am I going to sound like?’” Nope, there’s no need to think up some X-rated smut if that’s not your thing. Instead, use language you already use to flirt and tease your partner. If you’re struggling with a prompt, Holec suggests drawing from past memories or where you like to be touched (by yourself or a partner), and setting the mood from there.
Remember: “Sexting is all the things,” sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW says. Think pictures (sans face JIC), porn clips, voice notes, erotica, etc. Or, you can give your partner positive affirmations or talk about a new toy you’re about to take for a spin.
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Sometimes sexting is more about creating and teasing a fantasy rather than an orgasm, sexpert and Sweet Vibes spokesperson Tyomi Morgan says. And while it can be super hot to put those sexts into action the next time you see your partner, Howard says you can sext just to enjoy the eroticism, too.
A Few Tips Before You Press Send
- Paint a picture of your surroundings. « Getting started can be the most daunting part of this whole process, » says Gigi Engle, ACS, sex expert at Feeld and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life. So, take things slow and pull inspo from your surroundings, describe what you’re wearing, what you’re doing or what you’d like to do later. And, hey, if where you are or what you’re doing aren’t particularly hot, you have permission to embellish a bit. « You can say you’re naked in bed when you’re actually reading a book in your pajamas. Your partner doesn’t know the difference, » Engle says. From there, you’ll be able to ease into dirty talk: admit how you can’t stop thinking about this person and wish they were touching you right now.
- Read something steamy. Visual porn, says Engle, can be a bit intense for beginners, so instead, she recommends the written stuff. « [Erotica] is jam-packed with sexy material you can take with you to bed, » she says. « Being exposed to erotic materials can often be great for expanding our sexual dialogue. » Engle suggests checking out books such as, The Best Women’s Erotica, Volume IV, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel and sites including Literotica and Bellesa.
- Set boundaries. Ask your partner if this is even a thing they want to do, Howard says. Outline your boundaries. Maybe photos are cool, but texts about group sex aren’t. And if the conversation feels uncomfy at any time, an established safe word (like the one you use in the bedroom) can come in handy here too, Holec says. You might even establish off-limit words too, Engle adds. Degradation and name-calling can be a turn-on, but it isn’t the case for everyone, so talk it out. « It’s perfectly OK to make some words or phrases ‘out of bounds,' » says Engle. « If you don’t want your partner to call you ‘daddy,’ for instance, it’s OK to say that really doesn’t do it for you. And if your partner saying ‘b*tch’ is not going to fly, that’s fine, too. We all have preferences and our sexual experiences are entirely unique. »
Now that you’ve got your roadmap, let’s get to the sexting. Whether you’re a newbie who wants to learn how to sext your partner or a seasoned pro who wants to surprise your special someone with some new ~tricks~, these expert-recommended sexts will help you nail the digital dirty talk your way.
When You’re Feeling Nostalgic
When You Send A Photo Of A Sex Position You’d Like To Try
When You Want To Pique Their Interest
When You Need A Midday Pick-Me-Up
When You’re Feeling Playful
When You Want To ~Test The Waters~
When You Want To Give Kudos
When You Want To Play With Your New Toy
When You’re Feeling Kinky
When You Want To Know If This Is A Good Time
When You Don’t Know What To Say But Don’t Want To Stop
When You Want To Channel Your Inner Romantic
When You’re In The Mood For Teasing
When You Wake Up From A Steamy Dream
When You Want To Paint A Visual
When You’re Feeling Complimentary
When You’re Ready To Explore
When You’ve Done Your Research
When You Want To Quell Your Hunger
When You Send A Photo Of A Toy
When You Want To Give Them A Little Control
When You’re Daydreaming About Last Night
When You Send Photos Taking Off Your Favorite Lingerie One Piece At A Time
When You’re Counting Down The Minutes
When You Want All The Foreplay
When You Need To Pencil Them In
When You Want To Get Inside Their…Head
When You Want To Turn It Up To 100
When You Want To Play Pretend Via Video
When You Want To Give Words Of Affirmation Via Voice Messages
When You Want To Bring A Fantasy To Life
When You Want To Engage The Senses
When You Set The Stage
When You Make The Rules
When You Want To Share What You Like To Do
When You’re Missing Them
When It’s All Said And Done
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